The holidays are filled with to-do lists. Whether you’re cooking, shopping, cleaning, entertaining or traveling, the responsibilities can be overwhelming—especially when they all add up! That’s why it’s so important to set healthy boundaries with friends and family around what you realistically have time to do and what makes you feel uncomfortable.
Keep the following tips in mind as you head into the holiday season to help quell holiday anxiety and keep those pesky feelings of being rushed and irritated at bay.
The Benefits of Setting Boundaries
What exactly are boundaries? Boundaries are personal limits that clearly outline what words and actions you can tolerate and how you hope others will treat you. Simply put, boundaries are like a stop sign in the road.
This can be challenging over the holidays when you’re more likely to be socializing and spending time with family and friends you haven’t seen in quite some time. They may be eager to do everything with you! While this is a nice sentiment, you may feel socially, mentally and physically drained as a result. Remember: you aren’t obligated to spend every moment with them and do everything they ask.
Think of healthy boundaries as the ultimate gift you can give yourself and others. When you feel better, you function better. The best way to wellbeing is through self-care, which is more than spa days and bubble baths. It’s knowing and communicating how much time, energy and resources you have each day to devote to others.
Boundaries are a wonderful way to take care of yourself. You will have more time and energy for things you enjoy when you choose not to partake in activities that exhaust you and circumstances that make you feel uncomfortable. When you choose not to constantly be surrounded by people who take more than they give, you’ll get a self-esteem boost.
Taking time to listen to yourself and what you need will go a long way toward you enjoying the holidays instead of dreading them. A few minutes alone with meditation and mindfulness will ground you and recharge your batteries for the upcoming festivities.
Ways to Set Boundaries
While you can make your preferences known, unfortunately you can’t force someone to listen. In that way, you may feel like you don’t have control over the situation. However, there are ways to honor your own needs and reinforce behaviors that align with what you’ve communicated to encourage friends and family to honor your boundaries.
Tell others which topics you don’t want to discuss.
Politics, religion, your dating life, your career choices…these are all topics of discussion that might spark debates in your household. Of course, you may have other subjects in mind you’d like to avoid. Just politely make it known what you prefer not to talk about and offer an alternative point—like how wonderful the ham turned out this year!
Be consistent with your ground rules.
Like most things in life, consistency is key. If you allow certain behaviors some of the time but try to restrict them at other times, people will be confused on where you stand. Let’s say your family members comment on your weight every time they see you in person and on FaceTime. The objective is to catch them starting to comment and tell them it makes you uncomfortable. This is just one example of reinforcing your boundaries. How you feel is as important as how you communicate it.
Only say “yes” to things you truly want to do.
If you can’t say no, you’ll start to feel resentful. This feeling will build until it comes out in ways that don’t exactly express “holiday cheer.” This doesn’t mean you should say no to everything, or frequently flake on plans. Once in a while if you’re not feeling up for an outing you committed to, it’s completely fine to ask for a raincheck. Just be sure to reach out with an activity you’re interested in sharing with the person you canceled on once you’re more rested.
Reasons Many People Have Trouble Setting Boundaries
Some people may feel like their needs are not as valid or important as others. They may put their own desires on the back burner, giving priority to the requests of other people in their lives they deem to be of higher status. Low self-esteem is one of the contributing factors to this. Co-dependency is another.
Depression can warp perceptions of others, making it hard to see the positive in communicating boundaries and how it will be received. Additionally, people with anxiety, ADHD and OCD can experience racing thoughts and imagine worst-case scenarios resulting from expressing their needs. All of these aspects are amplified by the stress of the holidays.
Since the season’s theme is traditionally based on giving to others, it’s not always easy to say what you want and need. Maybe you’re worried you will seem “selfish” and cause friction. Maybe you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe you aren’t really sure what to say or how to say it. Believe it or not, the word “no” is a complete sentence, and it will help your mental health—and the health of those around you—in more ways than one.
What to Do If You’re Struggling to Set Boundaries
In order to set boundaries, it helps to understand what you want the outcome to be. It’s difficult to set a limit without knowing how or why you set it. The good news is—you truly don’t have to explain anything to anyone! If you want to offer up something though, here are some examples of polite replies for common holiday situations.
- If you don’t want to stay at your neighbor’s party longer than an hour, you can say: “I’m so glad to be here and spend time with you all. I’ve got some chores to do before tomorrow, so I’ll be heading out in about an hour.”
- If a friend offers you coffee—which you don’t like because it makes you jittery— simply say: “I’m not a coffee person, but I’ll take an apple cider.”
- If a family member pressures you to help with the cooking and you’re really too tired, you can say: “I honestly don’t have the energy to cook after the week I’ve had, but I’m happy to order something tasty for delivery.”
- If you’re financially strained and your coworkers are asking you to chip in for office gift exchanges, you can say: “I’ve hit my budget unfortunately but I’ll hand-make or bake a gift to contribute.”
- If your family wants you to host a holiday dinner or party and you don’t have the capacity, simply say: “I wish I could do that, but I don’t have the capacity this year. Maybe next year!”
- If you’re not drinking for personal reasons, simply say: “I’ve got an early morning and need to be on my A-game, but I’ll take a seltzer.”
- If family members frequently stop by unannounced, say: “I’d appreciate it if you would call or text before you come over to make sure I’m home and ready for your visit.”
Having these scripts on hand can save you a lot of social strife. If nothing else, use a blanket statement like: “I can’t right now, but please do keep me in the loop for the future!”
If you’re struggling to set boundaries and want to learn more, feel free to contact us today. Start living your best life this holiday season and continue into the new year. After all, there is no right time—only right now!
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202112/healthy-holiday-boundaries
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/boundaries