Lovebombing: The act of showering someone with attention early in a relationship to gain control, create a dependency and ensure loyalty.

Being in a “lovebombing” relationship may be tough for anyone to navigate due to the rollercoaster of emotions and unpredictable ups and downs of this type of connection to another person. It is especially tough if you are already struggling with a mental health disorder like depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In this blog, we’ll look at exactly what lovebombing is, who is the “lovebomber,” how it’s harmful to those managing a mental health disorder, and what you can do after you’ve been in this kind of relationship.

What is lovebombing?

Lovebombing is a pattern of manipulative behavior. Usually a romantic partner, the person initiating the affection, will profess their love too early in a relationship. They may give grandiose gifts and make grand gestures, but this is to ensure the other party feels indebted to them. People who lovebomb, also known as lovebombers, rain affection on their partner then suddenly take it all away when they get bored or angry with their partner.

Who are the lovebombers?

Surprisingly, lovebombers are secretly insecure. So, in order to boost their self-esteem, they carefully curate relationships that center around an obsession with maintaining their attention. Lovebombers may have narcissistic tendencies, needing people to revolve around them and give them a sense of self-worth and purpose.

The most extreme examples of people who use lovebombing as a tactic for brainwashing are cult leaders. But in everyday life, a lovebomber can be someone you interact with regularly, like a colleague or someone new you’ve just met at a party. They may be charming, persuasive and seem immediately enamored with you.

It can be hard to know whether you’re being lovebombed or truly loved, especially within the first six months of a relationship. Oftentimes in relationships with real love and mutual respect there is the presence of the “honeymoon phase” where you’re both infatuated with each other. You spend lots of time together because you both want to, not because one partner makes the other feel guilty for spending time away.

Let’s take a look at common signs of lovebombing behavior and the stages the relationship usually goes through.

Signs of Lovebombing

The following are common signs of lovebombing:

  • Frequent flattery that may be exaggerated for effect
  • Excessive gift-giving
  • Keeping in constant contact with texting, calls, social media messages and emails
  • Expecting a commitment right away
  • Reactivity and emotional instability: Getting upset when they don’t get a response right away, agreement or whatever they want in the moment
  • Ignoring and pushing boundaries
  • Getting upset when their significant other has plans with friends and family
  • Future faking: Promising exciting events, lavish trips, marriage or buying a beautiful home to start a family in together with no intention of ever following through

Stages of Lovebombing

These are the four stages of lovebombing:

  • Intense idealization: The lovebomber puts you on a pedestal.
  • Devaluation: The lovebomber finds fault with you.
  • Discard: The lovebomber drops you suddenly without warning.
  • Repeat: The lovebomber comes back to your life after a period of waiting and starts the whole cycle over again with the idealization phase.

If you recognize these signs and stages in your relationship, take a moment to assess the situation. Pause to evaluate recent scenarios and how they made you feel. Listen to the advice of trusted friends and professionals. It may be time to stop any contact with your abusive partner to get the healing and support you need and deserve.

Who is likely to be lovebombed?

The truth is that anyone can be lovebombed and you haven’t done anything wrong if you’re experiencing it. Lovebombers are always looking for people to manipulate, but they typically set their sights on people who would be considered “a catch.” They like to be seen with beautiful, talented, confident people. They also enjoy finding the main insecurity in these people and exploiting it to tear them down.

For example, a successful, intelligent, attractive woman says she avoids romantic relationships due to past experiences. In this case, her insecurity is believing she is not loveable. Lovebombers see this as a special challenge and leap into action, preying upon this information and using it to their advantage to begin the four stages of lovebombing. Once lovebombers have broken their partner’s spirit, they go from shiny treasure to dull object. The abusers are no longer interested and move on to other victims.

Predictably, they return (usually just in time for the victim to have made peace and moved on) with an apology and the idealization stage version of themselves. The moment they lose power over their partner, they become angry, launch insults and leave again without explanation. The cycle continues until the victim cuts all ties and begins recovery.

Why is lovebombing dangerous when you’re managing a mental health disorder?

Lovebombers have a way of manipulating the thoughts, words and actions of their victims. They may hold eye contact for long periods of time, use a specific tone of voice when discussing romantic and future plans, or ask what you like (or dislike) sexually and then do the exact opposite. They might ask invasive, highly personal questions to find something that you’re embarrassed about or ashamed of and then use that to hurt you.

All of these tactics, especially pushing and overstepping boundaries, are extremely damaging to your mind and body. The goal is to weaken you so they can make you fully dependent on their every move. This affects your health in many ways. Let’s break down the effects of the four stages of lovebombing on mental health:

  • Anxiety: If you have an anxiety disorder, you might go into a tailspin of imagining worst-case scenarios. You may suffer panic attacks and exhaustion brought on by the devalue and discard phases of lovebombing.
  • Depression: If you have low self-esteem, energy and mood, you may experience suicidal ideations and/or actions that intensify when you’re insulted or abandoned by your partner. This can be especially true when you’ve been built up by your partner and begin to feel secure only to be devalued and discarded.
  • PTSD: If you expressed past trauma to your partner, chances are they’ve used it against you to make you uncomfortable. This can be highly triggering, causing flashbacks and uncomfortable physical sensations.
  • OCD: If you have intrusive thoughts that are relieved by obsessive actions, lovebombing can disrupt your productivity and create even more damaging thought loops.

If you have a history of eating disorders, you may be triggered by times of transition. You may also try to take control over your situation by fixating on obtaining a certain body shape, size and/or weight.

If you have a history of substance use, you may be triggered by uncomfortable emotions and situations. As a result, you may be prompted to numb the pain and quiet your mind with substances.

How can you recover from lovebombing?

It’s not always easy to realize when you are in a toxic relationship with someone who is manipulating you. Ask a trusted friend or family member for their honest opinion in observing your partner. And by all means, speak to a trained therapist or healthcare professional about your concerns.

  • Cut all ties with your partner whenever possible. This includes people and places associated with them. It will be hard at first but with the right support system you’ll be able to hold firm over time. This may not be feasible if children are in the picture so tread carefully and protect yourself and your family.
  • Focus on self-care and empowerment. Get back to hobbies and activities you loved. Spend time in nature. Make time for friends and family who make you feel supported and appreciated.
  • Seek treatment for your mental health, substance use or eating disorder.

If you or a loved one is struggling with the effects of an emotionally abusive relationship, please don’t hesitate reach out to one of our caring advisors right away for guidance and support on next steps.

More from Discovery Mood & Anxiety Program:

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/love-bombing

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/413595-love-bomber.html

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/love-bombing-the-ultimate-grooming-technique/